Being there for others is something that comes naturally to empaths, but it can be truly draining when done in excess, and for the “wrong” people. We are all here to help one another thrive, but not everyone is ready for the kind of nurturing an empath provides.
Empaths are a gift to those in their lives. The empath needs to understand that, and once they do, they need to make sure that those they are giving to actually appreciate them and their efforts. Most of your relationships will likely be unbalanced as most can’t give quite like an empath can. But those in your relationships need to be doing their best to create an even exchange, in whatever way they can. If they aren’t putting in the effort, they will suck you dry.
Photo by Cris Saur
Part of the reason empaths tend to get trapped in relationships that drain them is because of empath trait #11 – empaths have a hard time grasping that anyone could have anything short of pure intentions. And as I mentioned when I discussed who/what an empath is at their core, empaths see relationships as sacred and are there for others, often at their own expense.
In this article we will identify key traits of individuals who aren’t as interested in giving to the relationship as they are in taking from it. This doesn’t necessarily mean we should stop helping them, it just means that until they are ready to be more conscious of how they treat others, we need scale back how much we invest in the relationship for the sake of our own well-being.
Everything is on their terms
At the end of the day, the traits I will describe to help you identify who is truly interested in your happiness and who is only interested in their own, all boil down to terms. Someone who isn’t considerate of your needs will not respect you, your needs or your boundaries and will expect everything to be on their terms.
This includes
When and if you meet
Where you meet
What you talk about, and
What you do together
When you meet
If someone is only interested in taking from you, they will decide when you meet, if at all. This means they will ask to meet when they need you or something from you.
A friend should feel comfortable asking for your assistance, that is part of a relationship. But this becomes a problem when the friend is only interested in meeting with you when they need something from you, but will not meet with you when the situation is reversed – where you would like to see or need them. (This also often becomes a problem because they usually want to meet you at last minutes notice.)
When you need or would like to see them, they will not hesitate to say no or they will agree, only to flake out on you last minute for a better opportunity. However, if you cannot be there for them and on their schedule, for a genuine reason, they will get upset with you and may punish you in some way (more on punishments as we go through this article).
When I say on their schedule, I mean, on their schedule. They want to meet with you when they are free, regardless of whether you are. If you are not free at that time, they will get annoyed. If you suggest an alternate time when you are both free, they will insist you change your plans for them anyways. Or, they will agree and then flake out on you at the last minute.
I don’t think I have to say that even though they have no hesitation suggesting you cancel your plans for them, they would never cancel their plans for you.
Where you meet
A friend who isn’t a good friend will want to dictate where you meet almost every time.
For example, if the two of you are deciding what restaurant to meet at for lunch – because they needed to meet you for lunch, of course – they will want to meet at a restaurant that suits them.
Sometimes they may suggest a few places that they would like to go and ask you to pick from those. If you suggest something else, they will come up with excuses on why that isn’t a good option until you agree to meet where they would like. Which is interesting because they are the one coming to you for help. You think they’d let you pick where you meet every once in a while!
This is in more extreme cases, but it happens. Even more extreme, but very real, is they may cancel on you if you do not agree to go where they want.
What you talk about
An inconsiderate friend will often focus the conversation on their needs. When you try to share, they will either show disinterest or they will not be as open minded or patient with you as you were with them. For example, they may have been talking to you about their work problems for several months on end. When you hit an issue with your own work that you would like to process with them, their response may be something like you should “just get over it” or “I guess you just don’t have what it takes to handle it.”
In their minds, their problems are important, yours are not. Their interests are important, yours are not. They deserve a listening ear, you do not.
What you do together
A self-centered friend expects you to participate in activities important to them and on their schedule, but feels no obligation in doing the same for you. They also do not care if you strongly dislike the activities they suggest, they will insist you do it no matter how much you express you would rather not.
As an empath I doubt you suggest they join you in activities you know they are averse to. When you do suggest something, it is often something you know would be easy for them. You may know they enjoy going to see movies and so you suggest they join you for a movie that you (for once) select. Because you are selecting the movie however, they aren’t interested and will try to find ways to flake out if they do agree at first.
There is no compromise for them. Accommodations must always be made by you. In their minds, you are only there to serve them. If you cause trouble, they will kick you to the curb until they need you again and the cycle repeats.
They will try to punish you
This is where the punishments come in. If you do not fit into the mold they create for you, they will kick you to the curb in some way. They will cancel plans with you, retaliate against you or make passive aggressive statements towards you.
In romantic relationships, retaliation may take the form of their breaking up with you every time you do not do what they want. In friendships they may lash out or give you the cold shoulder for a few weeks.
They will punish you not only for having a life of your own and not being able to meet on their terms every time they call, but also for speaking up and setting your boundaries. When you set your boundaries, they will not respect them, will overstep them anyways and try to wear you down until you agree to their terms.
They often do not like that you have a life of your own. This comes out in their annoyance when you cannot meet on their schedule. But it also comes out when you invite them to an activity let’s say, which they decline because it’s not on their terms even though they are free, you accept their decision and decide to do the activity on your own or with someone else. They get upset that you went anyways and retaliate in some way.
What are your next steps?
Most people who demonstrate these inconsiderate behaviors aren’t bad people. I find they tend to have very poor emotional management skills. They have a strong need to control because they feel out of control inside. They don’t address their dark side and so they lash out against others. I talk more about our shadow sides and how to integrate them here.
I don’t believe they realize what they are doing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t abusive or that it is something you should put up with. It’s important to be there for others, but if you are dealing with someone who exhibits these traits, talk to them about it.
It can be hard to take criticism so if they don’t respond well at first that is natural. But if they haven’t come to you within a week with some kind of reflection on your relationship and what they will do to help balance it, still help them if you want but do your best to limit how much. Also, pay attention to whether they retaliate against your expressing your needs or boundaries to them. It is important to be aware of how they are impacting you.
You and your needs are just as important as theirs. This is one of the hardest things for an empath to understand. Please do your best, we have sensitive souls and these relationships cause a lot of suffering.
If you are struggling with this, please check out my post on how to put yourself first when you really need it. I think it will go a long way to helping you find the gift you bring to others when you help them be there for themselves. If you need more personalized empathic guidance, I am always available to help as well. Take care of yourself.